Before I start, I want to thank nappy.co for giving us “beautiful, high-res photos of black and brown people. for free.” So moving forward, if you see any cover photos doused in melanin it probably came from there.
One day the thought popped into my head—what’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?—it was the follow-up the question to a series of thoughts swirling around my head recently. Thoughts exceptionally negative.
Have you ever heard of intuition? The thing you can’t exactly express, but it’s a feeling that you just feel. I’ve felt my intuition in other relationships, but this paticular relationship came with an unsettling discomfort. I’ve done some pretty dumb things but the dumbest thing I’ve done so far is date someone who I didn’t know before dating. It is actually a really dangerous thing to do and I found myself in an uncomfortable relationship. I would never, ever do that again nor would I champion the idea to anyone.
A little backstory.
For my 25th birthday, I planned a solo trip to Los Angeles. A month before I went, I reached out to this guy I met nine months earlier to get some tourist suggestions since he lived in L.A. I’ll be honest, it could have been anyone who lived there—girl, boy—but in the group of people I met him in, he was the only person who lived in L.A. and seemed pretty cool from the first time we met.
I was in L.A. for three days and we actually hung out for the first two. It was unplanned but we hit it off and we seemed to click. I consider myself pretty gregarious so I’m quite sociable anyways. Next thing I know this dude is my boyfriend. It was like a train ride; you don’t know where it’s going but it’s going really fast and you wonder why it’s going so fast and start second guessing getting on.
Before I found myself in this relationship, I told myself that I wanted to hold off dating until I fully comprehended what I wanted out of one. However, I found myself just going with the flow and not speaking up for myself but instead listening to someone else. In hindsight, I wish had been more firm with my decision to not date because I just wasn’t ready and in all seriousness don’t want to be bothered.
The relationship lasted about two months and in that second month, the doubts and concerns I had magnified to where something just didn’t feel right and the only solution were to break up with this person. This guy and I were learning each other after we stepped into relationship territory and it just wasn’t smart. We don’t share the same friends, we hadn’t kept in touch the nine months in between our first encounter, so, to plainly put it was strangers dating. As me and this person dated, I got to learn more about him and see his personality. Ultimately, we just weren’t as compatible as we were those first two days I went to L.A. because I gotten to know him better and saw a bit of his true colors. Things you can’t see in two days because it just two days. It’s like you start this job and after a couple weeks it isn’t as amazing as you thought. Do you stay and try to figure it out with your job or you follow that hunch that something about the job isn’t just right and you remove yourself?
As I was having these concerns, I was privately trying to process them. I’m trying to figure out how I found myself in this situation. I met a guy, thought he was really cool when we met, started dating this guy, discovered personality wise he actually isn’t my type, and now I felt trapped. It was something I couldn’t even bring up to my closest friends because I was slightly embarrassed by my questionable decision. Normally, I am pretty level-headed and deliberate in my decision making and this was just a poor reflection against my better judgment.
I found myself in a relationship with someone who was quite aggressive and controlling and I blamed myself for letting it happen. I felt something that I felt with no other guy that I dated and it was nerve-wracking and I started praying for guidance. That’s how I knew something was wrong, it was spiritual and when something is wrong with the spirit it’s heavy.
The month I broke it off with this person, I got a big wake-up message. One day I was asked by someone older and very spirtual if I knew how to discern spirits. I hesitantly said yes and she asked again if I truly knew how to tell a good spirit apart from the bad. The only person who instantly came to mind was my boyfriend at the time. He was the first person and (honestly) the only person that I felt kinda fit the description. A part of me knew why, so, I asked her to pray with me.
From that point, I knew I ventured far off my path of covenants with God. I was reneging on promises I made to myself before Him years before I graduated college. Promises I made before I met my last boyfriend, the boyfriend before him, and the (future) next boyfriend. I had to defend myself to someone who only knew me for two months. I had to face the situation I was in and own up to the reality of it and even letting it go as far as it did. Still to this day, going on seven months later, I’ve had to continously explain my perspective to someone who’s never going to understand it because they simply refuse. He is the only person I undoubtedly regret dating and a huge part of that is his behavior afterwards.
After I got the idea to write this post on my blog, I started thinking and worrying maybe this isn’t a good idea to talk about this publicly being that I am a private person. The whole point of this post is to discuss not letting anyone have that power to worry you about your own life. So if you’re reading this, it’s posted, and even if this helps one individual who may be in a smilier situation or left a similar situation just know it probably is the dumbest thing you’ve done so far.